Who are MY People?

A brief look into friendship

 Often in life we come to a cross roads where we examine such things as our vocation or even our location in this forever changing world. For many of us a sense of community is important. Knowing who your people are is a wonderful thing, but have you asked yourself, who are MY people; and what does that really mean?

   The differences between acquaintances, friends, and those we consider family is really about who we feel 'at home' with. An unspoken bond, our vulnerability laid out before them, and a trust that they will always be there, never judging us. These are the people that help you move, the ones you tell things to you would not share with others. You are very lucky if you have more than one of these people in your life. In the Irish culture the concept of a 'soul mate' was not influenced from the widely popular Greek mythos, it is its own brand of beauty. They call it Anam Chara - soul friend. Not that we have this one person that completes us to make us whole, but rather this deep spiritual bond that you can not analyze. You can only accept and embrace it & its definitely not limited to one person.  

   There is often those people you only catch up with once a year or so, leaving off without missing a step in the dance of life's journey. There are also those who you remain in frequent contact with no matter the distance of the location. Yet what makes certain friends seem closer than others? Could it be that our own perceptions based on personal experience lead us to unite with those that share our views? Perhaps the subtle and yet complex art of dialoguing plays an important role in not only forming these ties and keeping them going; but how we feel, process, and interpret such information determines the outcome of such bonds. No one will ever know what it is like to be another person, so are we really all alone, living inside our own minds even when we feel the closest with another. I do not know. When I say the word 'dog' you have your own image, feelings about dogs, experience with them, memories, etc. The dog that I mention is not the same dog as you interpret. Try and experiment sometime, ask everyone in the room to draw a pig. We all know what pigs look like so its rather easy. Take a few moments and then share your sketches. You'll notice such great diversity among the drawings. Some will be cartoon like, some with curly tails and small ears, and then some more wild boar like with tusks, and long tails. Communication is so strange. 

   Personally I have always struggled with communication. My thoughts are emotional, tied to songs, stories, colors, dreams, memories, and feelings. Internally the words I wish to express could best be conveyed by music instead of a conversation, but I am a Wren so I guess this is only natural. 

   When I go to speak I find that my education can be a barrier and I start searching for the right words to convey my thoughts, which in turn forces me to spiral up the mountain instead of getting to the point directly. I have insecurities with my personal grammar, and lexicon; not to mention I am always reading body language and other non-verbal language like facial expressions, for what the person is really saying. Hell, even trying to compose this is difficult, I am horrible with punctuation if you couldn't have already figured out. 

   People wear masks, lie, evade, and hide behind ambiguity. I grew up in a house where I was not heard, and when I was my thoughts and opinions were too cerebral to be appreciated. This is why I enjoy posting blogs, because I am free to share even if no one ever reads them. It is something that I need to do for me. 

   Many of the friends we have are simply people that we get on with. Those that share common interest like music & hobbies. This type of fellowship is wonderful and fills a void for many of us, but could it be suggested that 'those people' are not really friends? It is if that they are merely reflections of who we are, or better yet things we like. They do reinforce those things within us and make us feel better about our selves in who we are, but who are we? I like to refer to the Celtic axiom of one the Triads that says:

Three things a man is:

   What he thinks he is

   What others think he is

   What he trully is

   I think it addresses a few topics that are important, for what we think of ourselves does shape and change us into becoming a someone we work hard to become. It is about working for self betterment I think. Though I could also suffer from delusions and think I am pirate, so there is also that. What others think of us many do not concern themselves with, feeling dismissive as it is unimportant to them. I happen to care what others think of me. It is not something that consumes me, but I use caution in my words and try by virtue to live by example as best as I can so that when others have an opinion of me or something to say I hope it is with joy and honesty. You can't make everyone happy and not everyone will like you, and I am fine with that; so long as I know I have been honest with myself in who I am in the company of others. Lastly who we truly are I feel is a bare bones stripped down version of ourselves. Can we answer with truthfulness if we are good people? Do we share joy, give love, live with honor, and respect others? What we truly are is arguably, our nature. I often tell people, "You can't be upset with the monkey because he doesn't know how to play cards with you." You have to accept the monkey for the monkey. It is not within his nature to know how to play cards, and if you happen to teach him you have to remember it's your game, not his. 

   Who we are is also our heritage and ancestors, for we would not be here without them. For me honoring the past, my ancestors, who they were, and what they did in history only brings me to a place of home within myself. Genitics only gives us the forward to our story because we can choose for ourselves if we are steadfast in our convictions of being true to ourselves in the face of indifference and adversity. This is where we focus on who we want to be in this world. For many of us part of this is our vocation, and for others there is so many subtle layers that make up a whole. 

   So back to the topic of MY people. It can be odd meeting new people, feeling them out and opening ourselves to them so that we may share freely. Finding common ground to build on can be a journey itself into self exploration and growth if we allow it. Often it takes us down paths we would have never travelled. People can change us, as much as we may influence them even if we don't realize it. Have you ever met someone and right from the start you just knew that they were 'your people'? Is it merely science, some sort of hormones and firing of chemicals? It is not how they dress, what music they like, or even what faith they celebrate. It is just a something, a something I know not. Just like attraction, it is subjective and can not be analyzed! 

   There may be a community you know of and a group of people within that community you feel drawn to being more expressive with and yet only a small group or even one or two within that subgrouping that you actually can consider 'your people'. Furthermore it is even more rare that any of them will become that type of person we can develop that unspoken spiritual bond with. Why is this?

   To give you a personal example of this; I am Druid, a Celtic Pagan and celebrate the Gaelic tradition. This in itself is like a huge puzzle to someone outside of the culture. It is sort of like saying you are a Christian. What denomination, which part of the country, which parish, which study group, which services do you attend, which Priest, Minister or Reverend do you most work with in your faith, etc. 

   I am very traditional in my faith/culture so I tend not to often associate with many of the Neo-Druids. What they do is much different than I. Even though I have been in an Order for over 17 years, I find more times that not what they do to celebrate their faith is not how I celebrate mine. In that I am drawn to Celtic Reconstruction groups and Sinnsreachd. From there I focus more on those groups within the North East of the United states that belong to their own tribes/groups. More so then, those that are smaller groups like family units and Hearth groups that may make up a Poball (community) is where I find myself. Lastly, my direct focus is my own local community, and then my extended family, family and then myself. As a Draoi (Druid) it is part of my job to be of service to 'MY people' much like a Rabbi is to the Jewish faith. If I have no community, I have no job, no role, and am I really a Druid if I am not being of service to a community? The Druid role was a social-political one where the educated class of society was there for those in need, be it for education, entertainment, council, or other roles required to help connect them to their faith. We held many positions within society but we were never priests, nor should we be today. It was only after many years of education your tribe would then have the respect to see you in such roles of service. You were not simply a Druid, you had to be trained and then accepted by your people to fit the position they required from you. 

   So, today being a Druid does not mean I can automatically connect and feel a bond with someone else that calls them the same. They might belong to an Order that I do not really feel 'at home with' and a Grove within that Order that celebrates Brythonic/Welsh tradition which is also foreign to me. Beautiful as it may be, it is not my calling. Perhaps even further they are also Neo-Druids that do not share in the same rituals as I do, which can be rather conflicting in practice. Imagine you are a devout Catholic and attend a Southern Baptist Church. A better example is that your Jewish and attend a Catholic Mass, something traditional in Latin. Yet moving past this, it still can be hard within Celtic Reconstruction groups and even Sinnsreachd to form a bond, and then hope to have strong lasting foundations to build on and grow from. We all feel and search for.... OUR people. I have always found it best that opening my home, hosting, breaking bread and sharing a cup puts the mind to ease, the heart follows and joyful things usually occur. 

   This also happens to us that are Freemasons who travel to other Lodges. Our Mother Lodge where we are raised offers us a sense of home. Within the walls and halls of such places we form bonds with our brethren and again perhaps only a small group of them become very good friends, with an even smaller number sharing that unspoken bond just how it is in any other group. When we travel to other lodges if we are careful in our observations with a discerning eye we can see it clearly. Those Brothers that never miss a meeting, those that work in the kitchen, those that share a life outside the lodge, and those that have become family to one another. Some Lodges may do their work differently due to which jurisdiction they belong to, and even what type of Lodge model they follow. The ritual work could be worded differently and the layout of certain things could also be different. There is a good foundation already set when you are a Master Mason so reaching out with some education behind you goes a long way in forming new bonds. 

   Could communication be the bedrock of those bonds that stand the test of time always growing together with the seasons of change? Introverts operate much differently than extroverted people, yet both can share close friendships but do they ever develop into such close spiritual ties? What about those that speak foreign languages or even sign language. The topic of communication and the beginning of friendship is something that interests me greatly. Things like social anxiety, and those that suffer from other conditions that leave them feeling misunderstood, awkward or even sick and sacred I find fascinating to examine in relation to communication and the forming of bonds. 

   What causes us to feel 'at home' with others? Sure, having common ground helps us feel secure in opening ourselves in sharing from places we may only reserve for those we trust. Ah, there it is... Trust. We take subtle ques and even subconscious information internally and maybe its as simple as bio-chemical, we begin to trust. I have known people a short time, made online connections and have only shared their company in person a handful of times and trust them more than I do others I have known for years. 

   

   Sadly we have people in our lives we can no longer call friends. Something happened, perhaps lies, dishonesty, too much time passed, or growth happened in different directions. I know when my wife and I had our first child seven years ago many of our friends no longer were as close, most of of them without children drifted away never to reestablish a bond. We entered a different phase of life, and parenthood with maturity and responsibilities changed whom we allowed ourselves to be close with.
   There was no more time to embrace hedonistic pursuits of spontaneity. People have come in and out of my life and I have tried like hell sometimes to hold on to relationships that should have witherd and died. I have a hard time letting go, always hoping to mend or heal whatever caused such decay even if it was my own fault. To be fair I have not always been the best friend to others. I struggle with my own demons like many of us, but mine at times form a wedge where no wedge should exist because I am not forthcoming with communication. I try, but as yoda told us, there is no try. I understand it is hard for people to trust me that have known me for years because I am often in my own head or on the opposite end of the spectrum, a very opinionated extroverted aries. The child develops an ego and protects it with great passion for their emotional security and even strength. It has only been through broken trust, hurt, pain, and loss of friends and partners that I come full circle to reflect upon myself in past situations to embrace growth. We live and learn, we try and adapt and move forward. Sometimes we are like the salmon swimming upstream using undercurrents to leap forward to a place of home. We change... It is only with work and compassion we still remain close with those we share our lives with. I can only hope that in time those I feel close with presently remain by my side during this great journey of life. Those that have gone have their opinions of me and thats fine, so long as they realize I am not the person they once knew or even grew to dislike.

   I hope this blog reaches someone, anyone, and that they may also explore this condition of friendship, community, and bonds. I ask you, "Who are your People, and Why are they your people?" Be excellent to each other and by all means feel free to share this post. 

~ spoiler alert ~

One of my next posts will be on Irish Hedge schools. Stay tuned!